I think I miss my abuser.

This is a real story about me. When I was twenty black F and him my master WM

He told me it will be transactional and I assumed I knew what that meant.I cook,I clean I submit and he provides little did I know I was going to provide as well.

He gave me 4 rules

1.Always update him every 2 hours
2. Do my household duties
3.Always be naked or in lingerie when he's home
4. Never say no

I was going to provide every bit of me to him and give him access at all times.

I said "ok" like it was no big deal . Silly of me to say to a sadistic man like himmself .

Deep in the Country He had a gate leading up to his driveway I was amazed looking at the land and the workshop, and as soon as I walked through the front doors he grabbed me by the neck and pushed me onto my knees.
He immediately took my shirt off and started slapping me repeatedly i was confused he made me suck his dick and honestly It tasted like another woman but ,He didn't care,I thought after 10 slaps he'd be done but no he wanted tears he wanted to break me .I started thinking of how disgusting I was,how useless I was and how much of a gutter hoe I was, how I cheated on a great man with his own father and now I'm homeless. I broke down crying and he seemed Pleased.
After that, he yanked me up by my hair and had me cook him dinner naked.
Sometime went along and I found out he had a girlfriend. He no longer wanted sex with me. But every now and again I would give him head, and she knew I existed. She only allowed him to degrade me verbally. I guess I should thank her. Because he had plans for me and being a masochist myself. I don't think I could have handled the beatings he had in store for me.
He originally told me once a month. He was going to take me Outback-
Maybe to the shed? I admired or the beautiful land with the trees ? We were pretty tucked away and he did tell me no one would ever find me. But I guess because of her, he never did.
I started craving his touch even if it hurt me.
He told me that if I let him take my anal virginity that he would fuck me. And since i really wanted that I thought I could talk my way out of it or say NO!
He told me "bedroom"
So I went into the bedroom; He grabbed the massage oil and because i'm tight I didn't think much of it and he put it inside me, relieved, I got what I wanted -and he never did more than one round. I thought I was safe but he pushed my head down and I felt the most unbearable pain ever. I wish I could say it was enjoyable, but it wasn't.It felt like glass shattering through me I screamed and I said stop! Sure, I have said no, but didn't really mean no. But this time and with him, I meant no. He asked me if I remembered the 4th rule I kicked ,fought and cried under him but then I remembered never say no.. I stopped resisting and still crying ; I knew he was going to take what he wanted anyways. When he was done he just walked out of the room and for the remainder of the day. Every breath I took caused me to wince in pain. But it was like I still felt him it was like
He never left..