I will just fuck anybody who want to fuck me. Part 2

Dana#####
Looking around my room, I see all of the mess that was made. My counter is full of empty alcoholic cans. I was drinking nonstop spritzers and didn't throw them out for over a month. KY Jelly lubes were also empty. My dildo and vibrator were on my bed.

I've been masturbating day and night so many times, orgasming for him.

Clothes, stuff laying around everywhere. My room was messy. My entire life was messy. I'm not at rock bottom, but I kept thinking how worse could this all get?

I have a tendency to spiral out of control for quite some time after a breakup. This time seemed 50 times worse than what breakups I've been through. I didn't see it coming.

And the way we broke up was so uncool.

I resented him now, I was left heartbroken, I feel unable to move on.

Left crying, alone, confused with no straightforward answers to the truth of it all, I had to turn to something. That something was sex addiction. If he seemed to find "intimacy" during what he thought was his or "our" dry spell together then why can't I now?

Masturbating nonstop, I wanted more. I wanted to fuck someone...

I feel at this point, I've mourned more than enough. So, now what? I've tried all the healthy ways and the negative ways. Now it just comes down to fucking.

My PTSD from the breakup made me hypersexual.

Perhaps the breakup left me with a chemical imbalance in my brain. Masturbating and fantasies were not enough for me to help get through it. I'd start having uncontrollable sexual thoughts and urges. Sex on my mind was all that consumed me.

The persistent sexual fantasies and itch were making me feel out of control. All of these feelings I've been having that made me feel hurt, pain, guit, shame, rejection, resentment and other things just made me crave sex even more and more to deal with my emotions.

Fucking someone else right now seemed like a beautiful dream to me.

It's been a while since I was last fucked, so perhaps I would feel better confidently if someone I wanted to fuck desired me. It seems it has been working fine for him.

Even the gummies didn't help significantly with my mood boost.

On the other hand the angel in me kicks in. I know physically, mentally and emotionally being strong will help me way better than seeking out a one night stand. But because he is fucking a girl. Something in me feels it is only fair I should be able to get off too.

I am an adult so I made my decision. I want to get fucked.

Figured, my head is already way fucked up. How worse could this be? This was my main fear from the beginning with him and it happened. So why don't I just succumb to it all?

As tainted as my brain is, I decided to not get emotional going into this. This is exactly what happened with this guy. In fact, I am setting myself to just fuck and have fun.

Nothing more. I know I shouldn't be chasing orgasms for him but I have no choice. After contradicting him and his choices for taking a casual route, I've decided to be casual too.

In fact, it's worse. I just wanted to hook up and fuck, that's all.

I think if I did it, I could handle a hookup or two. I'm so tired of thinking of him and the breakup. I felt ready to fuck someone else. I just wanted to feel after fucking someone that what I had before amounted to shit. In a weird way, it will help me move on.

So I went and created profiles on dating apps all day.

Right away, I got a ton of matches. Now we just have to weed through good ones. I did seek out one night stands and got a lot of men responding. Dauntingly, only 5 percent seemed worthy to meet. Then I received a response from a good looking guy.

We chatted online for a bit, I told him upfront what I was looking for. I learned from the best, the guy I was with did the same spiel with me. This guy bought it and we decided to meet up later for drinks. I even used the same lines this guy used on me.

I met the guy. He was handsome, tall, dark brown hair and beautiful hazel eyes. The perfect first guy for me to fuck. I asked him if he was cool with just a one night stand. He said it was fine with him. We drank, we mingled, we fooled around.

I invited him back to my place and we fucked.

The night turned out to be fun and sex was incredible. Exactly what I needed, came true. He left that same night after we fucked. He called me the next day, and I ghosted him.

Geez, that was an uncool thing to do to someone. But honestly, my head is nowhere put together. It turns out I developed another disorder, trauma reenactment.

Basically, I'm subconsciously having reenactments and re-created scenarios that guy put me through. Like reliving past traumas and stuff with the one night stand.

I didn't want to fuck that guy anymore because there really was no connection past sex. So I looked again the next day for another potential hookup. I even contradicted myself with casual sex with that guy. How dirty it is. How he should be careful sleeping around.

Now here I am eagerly looking to casual fuck.

Must be on a roll. Had a potential guy and did the same routine. Asked him to meet for drinks later. Same conversation too. We ended up back at my place and fucked. This guy spent the night and we cuddled in the morning. Then he went on his way.

I took a break for the next two days but still felt the itch again.

Went back online, had more guys messaging me on the dating app and the next few days, I lined up the meeting for drinks routine with all 3 of them for each upcoming night.

They all ended up wanting to fuck me, so I fucked all three. One each night, back to back. The last guy, we had some good conversations. He was more honest and emotionally available with me in the last 5 hours than the other guy could ever be.

Geez, I hate to admit it but being a hoe is actually invigorating in a sick way.

I know exactly how this guy I lusted after is after fucking and hooking up with these men. So over the course of the next few months. I craved these sexual urges. It became a routine. I'd log on to my dating apps, find some men, meet them for drinks and fuck.

That is where the sexual addiction grew even more for me.

My sex addiction led me to constantly be on the internet. I used the web primarily for sexual purposes. I'd masturbate and watch porn pornography, then I got into cybersex chatting online with strangers and the dating apps to find a hook up to fuck.

In the beginning I was merely a spectator of all of this. Now I fully participate in all of it.

My sex addiction became an internet sex addiction. I'd log in, see what is out there. Then I'd be back at it again. I will hook up and fuck guys from the dating apps, watch porn and masturbate every day. In the beginning, I had to be attracted to my hook ups.

Now, I will just fuck anybody who want to fuck me.

Unfortunately, my issues haven't changed or gotten any better. I was convinced I'd be a weird perverted sex addict girl for all my life. On top of that, living with mental disorders.

Even worse, all those men I fucked were "fun."

And the guy I was with moved on forever.

But I still haven't found a guy who fucked me better than the last guy I was with.

Call me sick. I still live with the curse that I haven't been fucked better than my ex.

I'm still ruminating about him and the breakup.

So I guess a few months later, nothing really has changed.

I still like to fuck and became a quintessential sex addict.