I will just fuck anybody who want to fuck me. Part 1

Dana###$I wasn't always like this. You know, a "sex addict."

After visiting my therapist, it looks that my sex addiction also umbrellas a lot of other different mental disorders too. All of those mainly, as a result of my recent breakup.

He led me on.

Now, I feel forever resentful towards him. On top of that, he replaced me as he was leading me on. I'd just sent him a sexy message late last night. The next morning, he self admitted he was intimate with this girl he was also casually dating.

After that experience, I'd hate to be in a casual dating predicament again.

Even compared to my long term relationships and "real" relationships I've had with boyfriends, this guy who wasn't even a "boyfriend" twisted me beyond belief.

I left him as a needy, clingy, emotional wreck type of girl. He left me as well as a rebounder, continuing seeing the new girl several times a week and continuing dating.

He played me.

As a result, I finally came to terms I was played, used and led on. It wasn't like that in the beginning. We both knew what we were getting into but my feelings for him evolved into much more. It blindsided me when I found out at the last minute (last month) he fucked.

He fucked another girl.

It was the last straw for me. For the entire week, I was depressed. All the symptoms. Crying, not eating, not getting out of bed, all of those things went on 24/7.

The last 2 weeks, I have been just angry.

I still cry, get emotional, and stay in bed but the anger took over suddenly. I am angry at myself and at him. Mostly at him for lying to me, leading me on and the nasty breakup.

Even I tried to make the break up and what happened appear so "un-nasty." I'd apologize for things, forgive him for things, try to accept things. But that's all down the toilet now.

I am angry and horny.

So I developed relationship OCD and sex addiction now. Since the breakup, all I could think about was, "Are we still meant to be?" "Does he think of me" "Will he ever call me again?" "Why did he leave me right away for a new girl?" "Why didn't he stay?..."

My obsessions used to be for the "love" of him but now they are highly distressed.

When I'm not happy, "Maybe he is not the one?" "I should really move on by now..." I decided to take time off work because my thoughts have been so intrusive.

The arousal I have for him turned me into a sex addict.

Even though he is no longer with me, I became horny with him every night. My body is so used to the chemistry we had together and the sex. He was the best sex of my life.

All of my orgasms were given to him rent free as I fantasized of him constantly in my head. More than a month later, I realized it's still just a fantasy.

I needed to find my next fuck.

Felt it was the only way to heal. I tried all the other ways. So perhaps being a slut may temporarily help ease the pains. Every day and night, I've been on the Internet. Attempting to find my next fuck or fantasy that will not involve thinking of him.

This was very hard to do.

His sex was so good, I found no one to replace him yet. I'd spend hours online looking for someone who has the potential to better fuck me then this guy did. No one even came close. I'm still actively searching. Even the hottest guys didn't turn me on.

My relationship OCD thoughts consumed me everyday. And so did my sexual thoughts. I know the problem is within me. But I'd compare him to all these "potentials." I'd get irritated with myself because I know we broke off for legitimate reasons.

But I still think of him. The thoughts consume me most of the day.

Then I am preoccupied in my mind with his life now. Moving on with the other girl and potentially dating more new girls. "Maybe they were better than me." "He might enter a real relationship with one of them" "Does he enjoy sex better with her?..."

"Did he lead me on?" "He just wanted sex with me" "He played me in the romance game, when romance was not his goal" "Did he lose interest in me?" "He wooed me for sex..."

I was a victim of his "egotism."

"Why did he treat me so well?" "He made me fall for him, hard." "He just wanted to conquer my pussy and then leave me in pain." "Issues, personality disorder or ego?"

Even though a lot of my newfound disorder of relationship OCD had some healthy questions or thoughts that I was getting better from the breakup, it still constantly interrupts my mind just thinking about all the what ifs, what happened with him.

The anger suddenly came about after all this contemplation.

I'd finally come to terms with beginning to realize who he really is.

Literally, questioned everything about our situation until I was spent.

Everytime I felt "unsure" of him, of us I just kept thinking of the good times. I tried my best not to judge him harshly, given his personal situations and the fact we were casual.

I even became obsessed with the Internet, searching for answers to our breakup. It turns out, I am not alone. There are plenty of others on so many spectrums going through it.

And trying to heal, my thoughts were also intrusive. "Maybe I should wait until I find the right person and take more time." "Maybe I needed to do a better job with discussing intentions with someone in the beginning" "Maybe I was too emotional or clingy..."

"Did anything previous ever matter to him?" "Was it real, any of it?" "Was any of it love..."

Trying to wake up from this nightmare was impossible.