My Beastly Desire (2)

A bit of background behind the events of my first story.

In the first story that I posted (My Beastly Desire) I detailed how I decided to achieve my fantasy of letting a dog take me, and the actual experience that felt a long way from my imaginings. I passed my experience through AI as it felt easier to post those words than my own, although what was described was still true.
I have decided, in my own words, to explain how I got to that point in my life, as I think it gives context to the whole story.
To say I lost my virginity in traumatic circumstances would be an understatement, although I'm not going to go into that here. Sexual trauma is very real and damaging and I truly believe that is where the root of my rather chaotic sex life took hold.
I was rather promiscuous in my final years of school, and mainly dated older boys, including men in their twenties who had cars and were able to fill my little world with some excitement. Let's just say that I had a bit of a reputation.
When I started art college it was an opportunity for me to redefine myself away from the judgement of my old school. College felt more grown up and I was around people who were more sexually experienced and didn't judge me. I was able to take control of my life to some extent and sleep with men I chose rather than just fall into something with boys who were just there.
However college brought it's own problem, well for me anyway. In the late 90s this was my first experience of the internet and there were few filters back then. Admittedly I wasn't the only one using it to look up porn, but I imagine I was the only one becoming obsessed with beastiality content.
I can't really explain what it was that kept bringing me back to it. The excitement of the taboo and the apparent pleasure of those taking part, but also the animalistic power of a dog and the very different anatomy that they sported.
When I got my own computer, for design work I kept going back to those sites in the sanctuary of my own room. I was a member of multiple forums and chatrooms. It was taking me over.
I chatted to many people over the years, both experienced and also the passive observers like myself. The desire never left me.
Those forums also led me to other websites, in particular contact and hook-up sites. These enabled me to further engage in my sexual addiction. Even when I ended up in a long term relationship I was still secretly seeing other men that I met online. The secrecy of cheating became intoxicating to me. Just the online chat and arrangements, the preparation for meeting and the travel there had it's own delicious excitement. Sex was just the bonus at the end. I should probably be ashamed by the fact that I have cheated in every relationship I have ever been with, but I can't deny the thrill I feel from that too.
I became active in a number of online sexual forums, but deep down my desire to be with a dog still grew.
By the time I was 34 I was two years into a new serious relationship when I received the offer described in my previous story. It was now or never. I chose now.
My fantasy had grown for a very long time. All that watching and reading. I remember one site that had a three part instruction manual to watch and I had studied it avidly. I'd quite like to see that again. An old friend.
I wanted to be there with a dog on my back frenziedly pumping into me. To feel the knot swell and the hot jets of his release. I experienced both of those, but it wasn't how I imagined. I had also imagined taking the red rocket into my mouth and relishing the taboo of being watched by my companion, but when it came to it, and it was held before me, I couldn't bring myself to go through with it. The blackness of anxiety had taken me.
Yes I have suffered from depression, and the meeting with the dog actually came shortly after I had come off some meds. Whether this explains my agreement to do it, or the negative feelings of the experience I don't know. I'm not denying that I received pleasure from the experience, just that it didn't live up to my perfect fantasy that had developed over many years. I had built it up too much, had let anxiety overtake me and disappointed myself in my own reactions. Yes that initial sexual trauma of my early life is still there within me and I believe it is responsible for so much in my life.
I'm now in my late 40s and married, and maybe even settling down as COVID put a real scare up me that I know I haven't really recovered from. As you can probably tell, by the fact that I am writing this on here, I am still roaming the wild web which as well as giving me excitement is also providing some kind of therapy, so thank you for reading.