Divorced woman 42, likes it really rough, but it hard to tell men that

My first boyfriend was abusive, I was 14, he was 20 and he practically raped me everytime we had sex. He liked it rough and fast. Whether in my mouth, in my virgin pussy, or my virgin butt he took it rough and hard. He used to hit me, especially on my tits and my ass, even used a small leather paddle that I had to spread my legs so he could beat my pussy lips. I took it, and to tell the truth it got me excited. He started hitting my face too, and my stomach, and I had to get out of the situation. I guess my first times with oral, vaginal and anal with him were rape, I had no choice he just did it to me.

Next I had four guys in a row that weren't really exciting to me, I did sex anyway they wanted and I couldn't get off, only with one could I get off when he did oral on me. I men my husband at work after college. He too liked rough sex. Sometimes he told me to wear "old" panties that meant I was getting raped that night. I protested, put up a great front and he'd rip my clothes, tear off my bra and rip my panties and we always ended up in fucked obvlivion. I got him into pinching my boobs really hard, he'd even stick pins in my nipples, and in and through my tits. Pins in my tits, bruises on them from my letting them hang while he slapped and beat them, I never came as good as when we fucked like that. to be honest I could cum from him taking out the pins and needles too. I could regular rub on his lap, bare assed for his spanking, and whippings. Pain became what I liked and what made me cum better than anything.

So now, he got a 23 year old cunt pregnant at work and I'm on my own. I've let 5 guys fuck me, individually, only did three gangbangs back in highschool and college. Nothing with any of them. I really like one guy, he's rich as hell, I'd never want for anything but I don't cum. I make sure he cums in my mouth, my ass, my pussy, but he won't get aggresive with me. I've hinted and even laid over his lap bare ass and made him spank me, but it just didn't do it. He asked about some of the scars on my tits and on my ass and I told him that my ex used to put pins and needles in my pussy lips and my tits, and whipped me regularly on my bare ass. He accepts it, even asked if I liked it and I admitted I really did, I like it a lot, I NEED rough sex and some abuse to cum.

I don't see the others, and I confess to begging my ex to come over and hurt me, abuse me and rape me. I still sleep with the rich guy and he wants to marry but he just wont' get rough enough. Maybe I still need my ex as my side piece, but I can't explain fresh pin and needle marks, or bruised pussy, ass and tits to my boyfriend.

I love rough, abuse and sex and he won't give it to me.